Wednesday, October 13, 2004

For a Dotter in Great Pain--The Inside Job

I have many beautiful "Dotters". This is edited from a private letter ro one:

Dearest Dotter,

I think we need to talk...At least I do. To you.

If Betts or Ribonno sel Oylem were here, this is what they would say, in unison:

"You are not your running sores nor are you your afflictions and fears. You are NOT your avoidupois, nor your spiritual myopia. You are not even just "the hand you have been dealt to play", so to speak!!!

"You are a child of GOD and your Inside Soul is perfect as long as YOU do not conspire with outsiders to erode or destoy it!!!"

If "they" knew how to undo it they would. Remember, to the Health Care professionals, EVERYTHING is a dam death threat. Their whole war is with physical decay. They really do not care much about "pain" or "fear" nowadays...and they will rarely address them, because they are ill equipped to do so.

Most of their emollients (like corticosteroids) are addictions, and they know NOTHING (and do not want to know ANYTHIN G) about addiction desease.

I can only tell you from personal experience, as one who is a victim of the disease of addiction, as one who is almost totally blind and as one who is almost totally deaf, and as one who has survived (so far) two kinds of cancer...I can tell you that survival is mostly an INDIDE job...and....

What you LOOK like, what you SOUND like, what you "FEEL" like are all sort of prism-struck by-products of what you ARE--God's Precious Child.

Survival is an inside job, and what you weigh, what you look like, what you "see" and what you "hear" is really all excrescense, as far as your SELF, your "God-In-Woman" is concerned.

Get some Emily Dickinson poetry, some of the Little Flowers of Saint Francis, some of the Baghavad Gita, some of Dr. Wayme Dyer. Immerse your inner self in it.

You are eating away at yourself and devouring yourself, just like those microbes they make scary news stories and movies about.

I was about 37 years old when they tolm me that I'd never walk again, that I'd nevr ride a horse again, et cetera, ad nauseum. That was a long time before Cancer, blindness, deafness, or recovery from addiction disease.

I had a very close, very wonderful friend, my mother's age, a woman whom I thought really close to our family of five. But, as I was paralyzed, she looked me over one day and neevr spoke to me again. I could see it in her eyes. I had never been "dropped" before. I was devastated!...For about a week.

My Blessed Angel Betts made everything except her --and the boys---unimportant. All I wanted was Betts again, and the fun of my sons and to love and play with the ferocity we had always loved and played. That was my first great lesson in life and I was niot yet 40.

We do not exist in others' eyes, or minds, or thoughts.

Existence is an INSIDE job. And, we do it alone or we fail.

Pills and elixrs and medicines may come and go.

But survival requires that we ENDURE, an reserve the right to laugh at our selves, our pain, our egotism, and our surrenders.

I may stumble blindly, hobble and

But, in my soul, I still dance, and no one but me can hear my music.

Because it is an inside job.

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